The day after

I did not sleep last night. I kept denying that Brady had died. I kept telling myself that there was no way. I didn't want to go to church I didn't want to do anything. I knew that church was probably the best think for me and that a distraction would make the denial easier. In church I was numb. I don't even remember doing the primary lesson so I know HF must have been holding me up and helping me through that. When I got home I didn't want to be there I didn't want to time to think. I made Alan take me out and get my mind off things until we went to dinner so I would have another distraction. 

I felt like being with family would make it easier but it didn't. I just wanted Brady. I hated having to hold back my emotions and choke back tears. I hated everyone thinking I was ok when I was breaking down inside. I hated people asking me if I was ok because I wanted to scream at them and ask them if they were retarded. NO IM NOT! I just lost my brother and my friend. I am not ok. 

My denial is turning to anger and I just feel mad. Why him? Why Brady? He had such a pure heart but his life was so hard and his day to day so difficult. His little girl was just born a couple months ago and he was so proud and happy to be a father. Why now?? I don't understand. I am broken. 

So heres to today...to people caring despite my anger, to HF stepping in when I do not have the strength and to hopefully being able to get through this. Still trying to be thankful for today.