Meltdown Monday

The past couple of days have been an absolute blur. I still can't believe that Brady is gone. All day today I have been so angry and then the anger has turned to sadness. I feel so sad for him that he never really knew happiness. That he was always putting others before himself but no one was doing the same for him. That he wasn't treated the way he deserved and that his life ended and that he was alone. 

All day my grief overwhelmed me. I haven't showered since Saturday. Not even sure if I have brushed my teeth I know I haven't brushed my hair. I am lucky I am able to drag myself out of bed long enough to use the restroom. That is an accomplishment. I needed a distraction and knew I could count on my girls to give me that. 

Kayli is the only one that showed up. I am glad though because it gave me the opportunity to be weak and fully express what I was feeling to someone. Kayli has such a way with words. It feels so inspired and she knows exactly what to say to help me find strength. My sadness has turned to an overwhelming amount of guilt. I feel responsible somehow for Bradys death and feel that I could have done something more to prevent it. 

I am so grateful that I had Kayli tonight because I was able to raw and real. I was able to express things I can't write here or share with many. I am hurting and thats ok. I need to hurt. 

So heres to today...to giving in to grief, to being unsanitary and nearly insane, to Kaylis kind words and comfort and to hurt helping me heal. Trying to be thankful for today but for now just thankful for Kayli.