Sugar bugs

Today was rough. My 4 year old nephew Bryson had all of his molars capped, some cavities filled and then his front 4 teeth pulled. This morning when I woke him up at 6:30 he was so brave. He drank his valium sprite and talked to me about the dentist and what he was going to do to his teeth continually verifying he would be asleep and it wouldnt hurt. I reassured him that it was going to hurt at first but only for a minute and the dentist would get rid of all his sugar bugs and ickies in his teeth and they wouldnt ever hurt again. When we got there and they gave him his shot and he went out it terrified me. Seeing him laying with his body hanging lifelessly in the anesthesiologists arms gave me unbearable anxiety. For the next 2 1/2 hours as they drilled and pulled his little teeth it was gut wrenching. All I kept thinking is how much I wanted to be able to trade places with him. So he didnt have to be scared or feel an ounce of pain.

When they were finished and he was coming  out of it I broke down. I had to walk away for a moment and just broke down. Watching him trying to pull him tongue out and being combative was awful. I just wanted to make it all better for him and I couldnt. I felt helpless for the next hour as he was trying to piece together where he was and who was in the room likely thinking I looked like a 3 headed monster when  he pointed and said to me "Aunt Chelle make it stop! I dont like it!" I was heartbroken and so badly wanted to protect him and make it stop but I couldnt. 

That was my morning and when Bryson went to his dads Alan held me in his arms as I sobbed. I am scared to be a mother someday if I ever get that divine opportunity. I am scared to feel this way again over and over. To feel powerless and frustrated that I cant control the pain, or fear or hurt they are feeling. 

So heres to today...to Priesthood blessing, to a husband that will hold me till I am out of tears, to the bravest boy I know, and to the bad so that we can know the good. Thankful for today.