They are the smartest, sweetest, craziest, fun dogs in the world. They complete our little family. My in laws came over for dinner tonight and we got to show them off a bit. I love watching Alan get all excited when he is having the boys perform tricks or throwing the ball. It makes me look forward to the day when we have little ones and how proud he will be of their first steps and words and all the little things. He is going to be an amazing father. For now he is a father of 2 and I love it.
Today I accomplished what I resolved to do daily at the beginning of the year. I accomplished a number of things including little things like getting ready and painting my toe nails.
Even though I met my daily goals I couldn't shake the feeling of failure. I feel so lucky and frankly ungrateful for all the things I take for granted on a daily basis. I read the first chapter of Bittersweet (the book that follows Cold Tangerines) titled learning to swim and I instantly related to everything she said personally. About things changing and how the changes are like waves:
"If you dig in and fight the changes, they will smash you to bits. They’ll hold you under, drag you across the rough
sand, scare and confuse you. But if you can find it within
yourself, in the wildest of seasons, just for a moment, to
trust in the goodness of God, who made it all and holds it
all together, you’ll find yourself drawn along to a whole new
place, and there’s truly nothing sweeter. Unclench your fists,
unlock your knees and also the door to your heart, take a
deep breath, and begin to swim. Begin to let the waves do
their work in you."
And then it hit me...that wave I have been resisting and continue to resist. The change I have been trying to avoid. My husband is making a huge decision that will affect both of our lives and it could be a very monumental and miraculous change but I am too scared. I want to run away from the change. I want consistency and stability in the things that I know instead of going with the wave and allowing it to take me out to sea to enjoy the bittersweet blessing that Heavenly Father has in store for me. I broke down. I started to cry I felt guilty for all the things I had stupidly said and done to try and convince Alan to choose a path that I feel would be the least scary or hard or different.
I need to learn to trust in Heavenly Fathers plan for me in all aspects and be a better eternal companion and instead of just saying I support Alan, REALLY support him. So tonight instead of my recent prayers of asking for what I want to happen I will ask for the strength to be a supporter and be at peace with whatever lies ahead for us.
So heres to today... To a bittersweet breakdown, to my amazing husband,
to my crazy smart dogs, and to tomorrow. Thankful for today.
2 comments:
loved this! I have been having the exact same thoughts lately. I hate change, even when it is the right change. I constantly have to remind myself that it's all in Heavenly Fathers hands!
Im with you! It's so much easier said than done! We need to get together! It's been waaaay too long!
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