Emotional Exhaustion

I have hit the point of utter exhaustion physically mentally and emotionally. I cried harder yesterday then I have since last year and felt anxious, angry and still in a state of shock. Early this morning (we are talking still pitch black outside) my mom called me saying that Bryson was having a hard time and missed his mom. He had been asking for me for an hour. He wanted me to snuggle with him in his moms bed. So I hurried out the door and drove over to my moms more than half asleep.

When I got there he had calmed down a bit and took his medicine and so we went and put a movie on and got into bed. It took awhile to get Bryson down and he slept for a few more hours. He asked my mom for a pizza pocket even though she had offered him a bunch of soft foods. She obliged and cut it into little pieces which he didn't understand and was frustrated with. He wanted to eat it whole from the sleeve. He tried to take a bite and started to cry. Later on he was able to eat some pop tarts but couldn't and after a struggle managed to figure out how to eat some potato chips. As I watched him experiment with foods he could eat and saw the frustration when he wasn't able to eat some things I just thought to myself "wow Michelle you are weak". 

I look at this little boy going through a struggle that is out of his control. Reteaching himself how to talk without a lisp and eat without the use of his front teeth and with no rough edges on his molars and just how resilient he is. He's such an example of stregnth and faith and I look up to him. He is such a sweet spirit that continually lights up my life and I still feel helpless in regards to the situation he is currently in but I also feel guilty that during all his pain he is still making me smile. 

I hope that I am a positive influence and a good example to him and to all that I come in contact with. I am painfully aware of my stack of shortcomings but Bryson makes me want to be better and do better. I hope someday I can build up to his bravery and to somehow reach his level of resilience. I love that little boy. Bryson if you read this someday I just want you to know that watching you be born was the most beautiful thing I had ever experienced and everyday since with you has been equally beautiful. I love you Bryson Beau Blackham the first. Thank you for being you. 

Here's to today...to Bryson's resilience and example, to an understanding husband who loves me, to being needed and to sleep. Thankful for today.