Strong enough for school

Tomorrow is the funeral and I in no way feel prepared. I knew that I needed to start trying to move forward and going to school would be the first step. Luckily I have a sweet friend in my first 2 classes that just brightens up my day. She is so incredibly thoughtful and brought me flowers and is just so compassionate. I love her too death. She understood what I needed without me telling her and she helped me through the first part of the day. 

When I went to my 3rd class things got harder. I had a break and I started to dwell on what I would feel like tomorrow and if I would I would have the strength I needed to honor him. I felt myself breaking down and left class early. I came home and the house was empty which gave me a chance to grieve. I justified it by feeling its what I needed to get it out of my system so I can stand in front of everyone tomorrow and smile and share all of my wonderful memories. 

The truth is I don't know if I can make it through tomorrow. If I see him lying there lifeless I don't know if I can live through that. How am I supposed to act like everything is ok? This has tested my faith and I don't know if I have the strength I need to do right by him tomorrow. Once I finally calmed down enough to realize I needed to get over it because its not about me its about him I broke down again in my closet. I want to make sure that I wear the perfect outfit to honor him. What would he like? What shows him I love him and am proud of him and will miss him? Right now I am mourning him. I want him back. I am praying for the strength I need to make it through tomorrow and honor Brady the way he deserves. 

So heres to today...to good friends and to Brady continually being there for me when I need him. Thankful for today.   

Facial with my friend

I have been feeling sorry for myself long enough. I know Brady would be kicking me in the butt for being such a cry baby. Today I just wanted to be with friends. DeeAnn was nice enough to let me come over and we just talked and played with makeup and did facials. We got to talk about Brady and all of his amazing qualities. I got to confess some of my fears in what I might feel on Friday and she just listened. 

Her words were so sincere and just what I needed to have the strength to keep moving forward. I know Brady would want us all happy. Today for the first time I am starting to feel a sense of comfort that he is happier where we he is. I am being selfish wanting him here. He is in a better place. 

I had a meeting in Sandy which I felt would help distract me from my anguish but it was all a blur. Luckily I had Alan there with me to help me through the hurt and carry me when I couldn't stand on my own. 

I miss Brady so much but I need to be strong. He knows I love him and I always will. I need to start living so that he can be proud of me and I can feel him with me. 

So heres to today...to a friend being a friend, to feel better facials, to making Brady proud and to start living for BRADY. Thankful for today.

  

Support

Only Brady can still be giving to others after death. In his death he has brought me great friends that love and support me. I have felt the love from so many in the last few days that it is the only thing carrying me through. I know Brady would want me happy. I am so thankful that I was able to spend some time with him in Washington when we were both out there and that I made sure to tell him that he was loved and how much I cared for him and constantly thought of him and wanted him to be happy. That gives me a sense of comfort. 

I tried my best to focus on trying to move forward for Brady. I started small just by getting in the shower and making myself presentable. I tried to turn my attention to my work and thought I could get lost in it but it just feels wrong. I feel like I do not have a right to try and be happy. This hurts. Its going to hurt for a long time. When is it the right time to start taking steps forward. I know Brady would not want any of us to be sad for him. I feel that he is in a better a place but its still so hard to be left behind. 

I tried to distract myself with work and putting up a website but it didnt last long. The sorrow sank in again. I miss my little brother. I want to be able to pick up the phone and call him. The funeral is now scheduled for Friday and I am freaking out. I can't see him that will make all of this final. 

I have 3 days to pull myself together and be able to be strong for him. He deserves that. I have to be strong for Brady. 

So heres to today...to showering being a success, to attempting to move forward, to trying to pull myself together and to putting Brady first. Thankful for the love and prayers of others for me and my family.

 

Meltdown Monday

The past couple of days have been an absolute blur. I still can't believe that Brady is gone. All day today I have been so angry and then the anger has turned to sadness. I feel so sad for him that he never really knew happiness. That he was always putting others before himself but no one was doing the same for him. That he wasn't treated the way he deserved and that his life ended and that he was alone. 

All day my grief overwhelmed me. I haven't showered since Saturday. Not even sure if I have brushed my teeth I know I haven't brushed my hair. I am lucky I am able to drag myself out of bed long enough to use the restroom. That is an accomplishment. I needed a distraction and knew I could count on my girls to give me that. 

Kayli is the only one that showed up. I am glad though because it gave me the opportunity to be weak and fully express what I was feeling to someone. Kayli has such a way with words. It feels so inspired and she knows exactly what to say to help me find strength. My sadness has turned to an overwhelming amount of guilt. I feel responsible somehow for Bradys death and feel that I could have done something more to prevent it. 

I am so grateful that I had Kayli tonight because I was able to raw and real. I was able to express things I can't write here or share with many. I am hurting and thats ok. I need to hurt. 

So heres to today...to giving in to grief, to being unsanitary and nearly insane, to Kaylis kind words and comfort and to hurt helping me heal. Trying to be thankful for today but for now just thankful for Kayli.   

The day after

I did not sleep last night. I kept denying that Brady had died. I kept telling myself that there was no way. I didn't want to go to church I didn't want to do anything. I knew that church was probably the best think for me and that a distraction would make the denial easier. In church I was numb. I don't even remember doing the primary lesson so I know HF must have been holding me up and helping me through that. When I got home I didn't want to be there I didn't want to time to think. I made Alan take me out and get my mind off things until we went to dinner so I would have another distraction. 

I felt like being with family would make it easier but it didn't. I just wanted Brady. I hated having to hold back my emotions and choke back tears. I hated everyone thinking I was ok when I was breaking down inside. I hated people asking me if I was ok because I wanted to scream at them and ask them if they were retarded. NO IM NOT! I just lost my brother and my friend. I am not ok. 

My denial is turning to anger and I just feel mad. Why him? Why Brady? He had such a pure heart but his life was so hard and his day to day so difficult. His little girl was just born a couple months ago and he was so proud and happy to be a father. Why now?? I don't understand. I am broken. 

So heres to today...to people caring despite my anger, to HF stepping in when I do not have the strength and to hopefully being able to get through this. Still trying to be thankful for today.   

Heartbreak

This morning my day started off exhausting. I went to a math review and couldn't concentrate. After the 3 hour review I felt hopeless and went straight to the BYU testing center and stared blankly at my test. I failed needless to say. Something was off. I was supposed to go to lunch with Brittany and she had to cancel and things just weren't really going my way. 

When Alan got home from meeting with our tax consultant we took the Camry over to my moms and that is when I got the call that crushed me. 

Words cannot describe how I felt. I didn't recognize the number but had a bad feeling. It ended up being my step mom Becky and she just left a short simple message saying she had some news and to call her back. My heart sank but nothing could have prepared me for what she was going to say. My brother Brady died. 

I immediately fell to the floor. I could not breathe. Luckily I was at my moms since Alan was playing virtual golf and if I was alone I don't know if I would have remembered to breathe. I was in shock. The tears were flowing out and I was gasping for air. I wanted to die. Brady was gone. 

My mom held me for a while until I was able to get off the floor and walk and I called Alan. We had Bryson for the night and since I had the car I figured I was going to have to pick up Alan. When I called him he didn't know what to do but said he would get a ride home. I should not have driven looking back now but I was in shock. I couldn't hardly breathe I kept hyperventalating and when I got home I just went into shock. I started denying it. Pretending it was some cruel joke. Why Brady? He is too good too pure. He can not be gone. Not my sweet little brother! I just saw him so alive. 

I was just saying Wednesday I can't lose anyone else...I can't lose Brady. 

So heres to today...to a reminder that life is full of surprising and to take advantage of every minute because you don't know when it will be your last. Trying to be thankful for today.     

Tucanos and Target

Since I signed yesterday I went and opened up my new business bank account to keep my business finances seperate and that made me feel professional and mature. It was so fun. I ran lots of errands and started deciding what I wanted to do to get things rolling and my mind was just going a million miles a minute. I swear I havent slept in over a week I have been so excited and full of ideas. 

I decided to focus on making an office and a space for my inventory and chose to use a little room downstairs that we did up for our nieces and nephews but no one ever uses it. It will be perfect because it is down in the basement and that is where I get to host lots of fun parties! I decided last minute that I wanted to do an Ikea run so Dee and I made plans to run over there after dinner. 

We went out to Tucanos for Saras and my mother in laws birthdays. It was delicious as always and lots of fun to get together with them. After dinner we rushed off to Dee and Drews and I dumped Alan off and we headed to Ikea. We didnt have lots of time to look around so we just rushed through and looked at what we could to gather some ideas. Now my brain is overflowing with ideas and I can't decide which one? Red lip couch or go with a soft pink and grey decor and maybe just do a small pink lip pillow? I DONT KNOW!! Gah. 

When we were done at Ikea we still wanted to shop so we ran over to Target and instantly reverted back to our old shopping adventures...russian accents and all. We got a lot of weird looks but it didnt matter because we had a blast. My husband may kill me though because somehow I ended up buying a jacket, shoes and a tshirt (which I should go put on because I have a confession to make I just got out of the shower and have been typing all of this in the buff). I will try and break it to him softly tomorrow. For now its time for bed since I have a math review in the morning. BLUCK!

So heres to today...to business bank accounts, to tasty Tucano birthday dinners, to time with family, to Ikea, to a long overdue shopping adventure with Dee and to secret shopping. Thankful for today.