Surviving School

This morning was rough. I stayed up waaaaaaay too late crafting with Kayli but I was able to finish this beauty:

I really like the way it turned out and it was pretty easy. I have a few spots to fill in. Thanks mom for the lamp! I bet she regrets giving it up now that I have dressed it up haha. 

Well we had a fun filled evening which made getting out of bed this morning nearly impossible. I missed the math class I am trying to get into buuuuut made it to the rest of my classes. And by the way I tried this amazing broiled grapefruit for breakfast and I highly suggest it. It made it soooo much better than just a little sugar. YUM YUM YUM. I will take a warm grapefruit in place of a cold tangerine from time to time!

BACK TO SCHOOL...I tried to recreate a look I pinned it didnt turn out quite as cute:

Getting back to school feels so good. Part of me is grateful my music in elementary class was cancelled I think it may have been too much.I am going to be busy this semester with math, psychology, nutrition through lifecycle, dance in elementary and exceptional students but I am so excited.  Its reignited my passion for teaching and reminded me of the future I will have to look forward to if I complete my degree and get my license. And get a job obviously haha. I had really been struggling feeling like I had no real sense of self as of late with losing my job and not being in school so this feels great.

So heres to today...to being back at school and learning about things I love, to laughing with a dear friend till the wee hours of the morning, and to trying new things. Thankful for today.

Shopping, Shades and Sean

My plan to wake up early to accomplish a grip of my goals failed miserably. I ended up staying up looking at job openings and watching Private Practice till the sun came up so I slept most of the day.  

Today Alan and I went and did some grocery shopping so I would be able to come home for lunch in between classes. I also had to pick up some coffee filters for my girls night with Kayli. We have been folding coffee filters for the last hour. She is making a wreath and I am making a lampshade. Since I am no where close to being done even folding I will have to post a pic once I have it completed. 

Until then, I need to give my full attention back to Sean (The Bachelor) and all the lovely ladies and lunatics...

So heres to today...to watching too much tv, to being crafty, to time with good friends, and to Sean. Thankful to today.

Primary and Poopsicles

Today was the first day of the new time for church and Alan and I really struggled. We had Bryson over like most every Saturday since he goes to church with us and he was dancing Oppa Gangham Style till almost 2 am. So when the alarm went off this morning I couldn't help but hit snooze a few times. I can tell this is going to be a challenge for us. 

Alan and I got moved to CTR 4 and we love it. Instead of a group of 5 rambunctious boys we have 11 little ones and we have some girls now to help even things out. Its amazing how mellow they are just one year younger. Bryson is in our class and he seems to really enjoy having us as teachers. Today we got to welcome them into CTR and give them their rings and we made these darling CTR crowns. I so wish I would have snapped a picture. I am already so in love with these kids. 

Although the morning was a bit of a struggle it was nice getting out of church and having a good hunk of day to relax before we go visit with family. Alan spent the afternoon playing his zombie game and I went and scooped up poop. OK so everyone has been complaining about the weather and now its my turn. Its waaaaaay too cold outside if dog poop gets sooooo frozen that I have to get a shovel to scoop it up. NOT ok. I need cold weather. I think its time for Alan and I to run away to somewhere warm even for a weekend. 

Tonight at dinner with the Whitaker's we got to meet the lovely young lady stealing all of Spencers attention. She is pretty darling. I am surprised at how protective I instantly got of Spence even before Alan and I were married. I just never think anyone is good enough because he is such a stud. Well this girl is really sweet and we have the same major so maybe she will steal his heart too. We shall see.

So tomorrow is the last day I have before school starts back up and I am so sad that one of my classes got cancelled today due to low enrollment. I cant decide what I am going to do now. Tomorrow needs to be an early rise for me. I have a lot to accomplish before school starts and the days go by so fast. 

Since its fast Sunday and we missed sacrament I want share some thoughts and feelings I have had today. I am so grateful for the opportunity I have to be sealed to an amazing man for time and all eternity. I know that the church is true and I am eternally grateful for the gospel and the profound impact that it has made on my life. I am so grateful for the atonement and the fact that Heavenly Father still loves me even though I do so many stupid things on a daily basis. I am so grateful for our calling and the opportunity we have to teach such beautiful children of God. I am just so grateful for all the wonderful blessing in my life.

So heres to today...to the spirit in my home, to the new kids in our class, to shovels for snow bitten dog droppings, to Spencers happiness, and to being a member of the church. Thankful for today. 

  

Emotional Exhaustion

I have hit the point of utter exhaustion physically mentally and emotionally. I cried harder yesterday then I have since last year and felt anxious, angry and still in a state of shock. Early this morning (we are talking still pitch black outside) my mom called me saying that Bryson was having a hard time and missed his mom. He had been asking for me for an hour. He wanted me to snuggle with him in his moms bed. So I hurried out the door and drove over to my moms more than half asleep.

When I got there he had calmed down a bit and took his medicine and so we went and put a movie on and got into bed. It took awhile to get Bryson down and he slept for a few more hours. He asked my mom for a pizza pocket even though she had offered him a bunch of soft foods. She obliged and cut it into little pieces which he didn't understand and was frustrated with. He wanted to eat it whole from the sleeve. He tried to take a bite and started to cry. Later on he was able to eat some pop tarts but couldn't and after a struggle managed to figure out how to eat some potato chips. As I watched him experiment with foods he could eat and saw the frustration when he wasn't able to eat some things I just thought to myself "wow Michelle you are weak". 

I look at this little boy going through a struggle that is out of his control. Reteaching himself how to talk without a lisp and eat without the use of his front teeth and with no rough edges on his molars and just how resilient he is. He's such an example of stregnth and faith and I look up to him. He is such a sweet spirit that continually lights up my life and I still feel helpless in regards to the situation he is currently in but I also feel guilty that during all his pain he is still making me smile. 

I hope that I am a positive influence and a good example to him and to all that I come in contact with. I am painfully aware of my stack of shortcomings but Bryson makes me want to be better and do better. I hope someday I can build up to his bravery and to somehow reach his level of resilience. I love that little boy. Bryson if you read this someday I just want you to know that watching you be born was the most beautiful thing I had ever experienced and everyday since with you has been equally beautiful. I love you Bryson Beau Blackham the first. Thank you for being you. 

Here's to today...to Bryson's resilience and example, to an understanding husband who loves me, to being needed and to sleep. Thankful for today.

Sugar bugs

Today was rough. My 4 year old nephew Bryson had all of his molars capped, some cavities filled and then his front 4 teeth pulled. This morning when I woke him up at 6:30 he was so brave. He drank his valium sprite and talked to me about the dentist and what he was going to do to his teeth continually verifying he would be asleep and it wouldnt hurt. I reassured him that it was going to hurt at first but only for a minute and the dentist would get rid of all his sugar bugs and ickies in his teeth and they wouldnt ever hurt again. When we got there and they gave him his shot and he went out it terrified me. Seeing him laying with his body hanging lifelessly in the anesthesiologists arms gave me unbearable anxiety. For the next 2 1/2 hours as they drilled and pulled his little teeth it was gut wrenching. All I kept thinking is how much I wanted to be able to trade places with him. So he didnt have to be scared or feel an ounce of pain.

When they were finished and he was coming  out of it I broke down. I had to walk away for a moment and just broke down. Watching him trying to pull him tongue out and being combative was awful. I just wanted to make it all better for him and I couldnt. I felt helpless for the next hour as he was trying to piece together where he was and who was in the room likely thinking I looked like a 3 headed monster when  he pointed and said to me "Aunt Chelle make it stop! I dont like it!" I was heartbroken and so badly wanted to protect him and make it stop but I couldnt. 

That was my morning and when Bryson went to his dads Alan held me in his arms as I sobbed. I am scared to be a mother someday if I ever get that divine opportunity. I am scared to feel this way again over and over. To feel powerless and frustrated that I cant control the pain, or fear or hurt they are feeling. 

So heres to today...to Priesthood blessing, to a husband that will hold me till I am out of tears, to the bravest boy I know, and to the bad so that we can know the good. Thankful for today.

Bittersweet Breakdown

My dogs are awesome.

They are the smartest, sweetest, craziest, fun dogs in the world. They complete our little family. My in laws came over for dinner tonight and we got to show them off a bit. I love watching Alan get all excited when he is having the boys perform tricks or throwing the ball. It makes me look forward to the day when we have little ones and how proud he will be of their first steps and words and all the little things. He is going to be an amazing father. For now he is a father of 2 and I love it. 

Today I accomplished what I resolved to do daily at the beginning of the year. I accomplished a number of things including little things like getting ready and painting my toe nails.  

Even though I met my daily goals I couldn't shake the feeling of failure. I feel so lucky and frankly ungrateful for all the things I take for granted on a daily basis. I read the first chapter of Bittersweet (the book that follows Cold Tangerines) titled learning to swim and I instantly related to everything she said personally. About things changing and how the changes are like waves:

"If you dig in and fight the changes, they will smash you to bits. They’ll hold you under, drag you across the rough sand, scare and confuse you. But if you can find it within yourself, in the wildest of seasons, just for a moment, to trust in the goodness of God, who made it all and holds it all together, you’ll find yourself drawn along to a whole new place, and there’s truly nothing sweeter. Unclench your fists, unlock your knees and also the door to your heart, take a deep breath, and begin to swim. Begin to let the waves do their work in you."

And then it hit me...that wave I have been resisting and continue to resist. The change I have been trying to avoid. My husband is making a huge decision that will affect both of our lives and it could be a very monumental and miraculous change but I am too scared. I want to run away from the change. I want consistency and stability in the things that I know instead of going with the wave and allowing it to take me out to sea to enjoy the bittersweet blessing that Heavenly Father has in store for me. I broke down. I started to cry I felt guilty for all the things I had stupidly said and done to try and convince Alan to choose a path that I feel would be the least scary or hard or different. 

I need to learn to trust in Heavenly Fathers plan for me in all aspects and be a better eternal companion and instead of just saying I support Alan, REALLY support him. So tonight instead of my recent prayers of asking for what I want to happen I will ask for the strength to be a supporter and be at peace with whatever lies ahead for us. 

So heres to today... To a bittersweet breakdown, to my amazing husband, to my crazy smart dogs, and to tomorrow. Thankful for today.

Getting it together

I LOVE WAKING UP TO THIS LITTLE BOY!

All in all I feel pretty good about today. I woke up and actually got ready, see:

After all the hard work of putting real clothes and shoes on I got a little lazy with the makeup but nothing some red lipstick couldn't mask. I must say I am pretty proud of myself I even tried a pinterest hair do. It was easy so its something I will probably do again.

I hope I can keep it up because I was battling with myself this morning whether to just reside in my sweats and no one would ever know the difference. A goal is a goal and I think getting ready helped me accomplish a lot more today. A few notable accomplishments:

I washed and folded all my laundry! That always makes me feel so good. That and dishes which I am happy to say I also did today. I even went as far as vacumning. So to most you are probably thinking these are just little things but for someone who has been extremely busy working and then with the holidays on top of that I had a LOT of laundry and a LOT of dishes and a LOT of dirt and dust accumulating on my floors so I am happy. So now my kitchen, living room and guestroom are all clean. Which brings me to some exciting news! My guest room will be filled with a dear friend come the 17th of Feburary for a few days. I am so excited to see her its been forever. 

Last night I stayed up far too late gathering inspiration on pinterest on what I wanted to craft and found some things I have been dying to do forever and just havent had the time. To hold myself accountable I snapped some pictures of what I will be focusing on first:

I want to turn these tv dinner tables from this:

To this:

Or this:

And I will redo the mirror to something cool too. Basically I am getting rid of all the brown in our house slowly but surely. Including our ceiling fan that has been driving me bonkers!

Maybe do something like this:

There is a lot of other stuff I want to do and have planned but I need to do these first since they are things I have meant to do for over a year now. Ha. Hopefully I get to craft this weekend I am really excited to see what I decide to do and how they turn out. 

So I have been pretty good today about staying on top of my resolutions. Sadly as far as patience with my husband, that is something I fell extremely short on today. Alan is going through a transition with work and is trying to figure out what he wants to do for a career. Its lovely that he has options and don't get me wrong I am sooooooooo very grateful that he has multiple opportunities and exciting new directions he can take but for me all I can think is COME ON!! I dont have people begging me to come work for them..."JUST PICK ONE" I tell him. I know he is doing it the right way and getting all the information and praying about it and will ultimately choose what is best for our family but I have to admit I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown here. 

I am not a patient person it is one of my many shortcomings and probably the most annoying trait for my husband to have to put up with. If I ask him to help me or to run an errand I mean right now not at some point and that is why its one of my goals to become much more patient, or be patient at all! Pray for me. 

So heres to today... To a closet full of clothes, to mac and cheese with the cutest 4 year old, to a clean house, to inspiration and to the ambition bursting out of me. Thankful for today.